[man's Truth] the moment when he realized the feeling of "wanting to have children"
When I was a child (Ben Boskovich, deputy editor of ESQUIRE US), I was a child who would cry whenever something happened. Because, the people around them are bound to put a negative brand on themselves.
Therefore, I can not forgive myself, because simple things will cry immediately. Parents, classmates and teachers all think that everyone will regard me as a "crybaby".
One year at Easter (a Christian holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ), I got the Easter basket Prensente from a child. Then, the letter attached there read: "you are a handsome guy, you can't cry like that."
That's shy, too, but I'm even more scared. In the next few years, I was old enough to join the basketball team, but I couldn't make it through the season. I cried on the way home from the game. Once I cried on the bench. That day, I motioned to my mother in the stands and said, "I have quit the team." Then within that week, I told the coach, "I want to resign," and I cried there, too. And I cried when I met the coach at the prom that summer.
I cried like this for 17 years.
I'm still crying. In a recent example, I read a report about women who lost twin brothers in multiple terrorist attacks in the United States on 9 / 11. In addition, just the day before, there was a nasty meeting in the workplace, which was full of fear and cried for a few seconds. Although it took a short time to cry, it was as fierce as a storm passing through the Caribbean. It's like a bit of a long sneeze.
Recently, more and more things happen in front of the computer. Although he made a strange noise with his hair, the tension was relieved after wiping his face with a T-shirt before the next email came.
But in early June 2021, I haven't cried for a long time. It was after he proposed to his current fiancee, Catherine. I spent a week with her family next weekend, driving home. I have corrupted myself for so many years, when I confess the truth of "crybaby".
I am an only child and Catherine is four brothers. Her eldest brother is married and has three children living in London. During my three-year relationship, I praised her fascination with nieces and nephews and praised "how amazing". I looked over her shoulder at the lovely and wonderful children in the video calls and many photos I shared, and I fell in love with those children. However, whenever they call, I am sure to feel complicated.
Because her other brothers have no children, these three small potatoes are the center of Catherine's family. On the other hand, I am the only one in my center. I have three girls, each with two children. I do like those kids. However, instead of making video calls as often as Catherine, sharing albums is full of enthusiasm. In this way, that thing bothers me.
I don't have a passion for Catherine and most people who want to have a family of their own.
I haven't told anyone about this matter, whether in therapy or to my parents, but deep down, I don't feel strong about my idea of "wanting to be a father in the future", let alone being an "enthusiastic uncle".
I ran into it and asked friends who had become fathers and those who wanted to be fathers about it. My reason is that I am still young, living in my life, and want to accumulate my career.
The idea of "I don't know if you want to have children" is something that many people can understand, because everyone feels temporarily. This is not an unimaginable remark.
But, to be honest, "Don't you want kids? "when I said it directly, I was not at all sure. I am not very excited about "I want my own children" because I take precedence over my own children and can give my energy. I am also very upset about myself like this.
I always spend every day restlessly. Spend every day in this way, do it with your partner, parents, colleagues and other people around you, and do your best.
The ideal I have imposed on myself is to "be thanked for its existence by others". It can be said that this has poured all my mental energy into it. However, it is difficult to maintain this idea. There are also a lot of things that don't go well. If I had a child of my own, the time I spent in the park with that child and the distraction time I spent crying at night, I would think, "because it's hard to maintain my ideal."
When the mother told his father (who was still a lover at the time) that he might be pregnant, the father's reaction was: "I wish I were pregnant!" "it is said to be so. Then the two men went to the jewelry store and their father got down on one knee and proposed.
I always respect my parents. Because of my existence, although it was possible to change everything unexpectedly, I actively seized it. It's just that my parents have no children except me, so I don't have a brother or sister.
What is "replace"? my parents have a brother with children. Actually, there are many. I am an only child and say, "I am the brother and sister we grew up with." I do have this feeling.
I used to stand in the living room of a friend's house and envy the family photo hanging in the hallway. Weddings, anniversaries, nephews, nieces, grandchildren, etc., are a team decorated with strong ties for everyone to see. I still envy such a family structure. But a conscious decision is a conscious decision to have a family and to manage it forever. I never thought of watching that show in the front row. And then say to yourself, "is it some kind of heterogeneous person?" "I feel it. In this way, other people in my opinion look as if they have been in front of me for a few weeks in a game in which I have not yet entered training.
A colleague and friend once said, "I don't know if you're ready before I try to do this." In addition, I have heard of the touching phenomenon that happens when I see a newborn child's eyes for the first time. I said to myself, "I'll wait for that time." Entrust to such a process, the feeling of letting nature take its course. I'm sure I'll come at that time. But even after I reconfirmed the idea, I was tormented by guilt and anxiety when I had a video call with my children.
The week after we got engaged at her mother's beach house, Catherine and I drove back to the coast after celebrating alone. After that, her sister and three children also planned to come from London. Every minute after we arrived, we were looking forward to their arrival. That weekend, I was looking forward to seeing them take swimming lessons and build sand castles. Having said that, although these children no longer feel like others, they are still "whose" children, nieces and nephews of "who".
And can I let the children eat earthworms before dinner? Can I watch the funny story of Dark Wings Roast Duck again before I go to bed? It is not a position where such a decision can be made. I'm just following the decisions of their parents and aunts.
I ushered in that time of radical change. It took less than 15 minutes to meet with them.
That afternoon, Catherine's four-year-old nephew came up to me and asked me a question. I don't remember what you wanted to ask. But he said, "Uncle Ben! "I started by asking questions that changed everything.
When I answered "yes" or answered his question right away, he said, "Hey, sir!" "I think I had the same reaction when I said it, or one of them, and I had feelings that I had never had before. Catherine was there, and when she heard it, she made me understand what it meant.
We looked at each other when the child walked away. Then her face said, "Wow!" "I'm talking. My face said, "Oh, my God! "I think it's a feeling.
Catherine said, "my sister must have told the children in the car." "because we are engaged, I am no longer an ordinary Ben, are the children allowed to give me a suitable title? "We speculate.
Yes, I finally became "Uncle Ben".
This week, and it is now... I can say that I am beginning to feel happy for my nephew. When another nephew walked to his room under Catherine's hug, he saw him smiling at the corner of the corridor. My niece later called me "Uncle Ben". My nephew has grabbed my calves and shoulders in the past week.
I watched the children's swimming lessons and played with Pete the cat. The eggshell under my feet was no longer there (no longer a newborn chicken), and I became their uncle.
If you become an official uncle, even if you secretly give them snacks, you don't need to feel confused there. If it is an official uncle, why are the nephews' misbehavior in the board game not rewarded? Or I can tell you. Although I was a little confused, I still had the courage to go out.
This opportunity became my first lesson. Then, after spending a week with her niece, she even said to me, "I love you." If one day she can understand, I want to tell you "how meaningful that sentence is to me".
After the aforementioned episode of both reactions when my nephew first said "uncle", Catherine and I didn't say much about what happened later. However, I have to think about the future myself.
The morning after my uncle spoke, three minutes before the alarm clock went off, I was woken up by the sound of toy bullets at the foot of the bed. When I woke up, I looked at the guns of two armed smiling toddlers. I picked up my phone, took a picture, and posted it in Instagram's story. In response, I posted the hashtag "# Uncle's Life (# unclelife)" and released it as Kiki. This clich é doesn't make me feel "old-fashioned", but it makes me think it's part of something new and loving.
At the end of the week, I spoke to Catherine on my way home. Before I got outside the area, I cried for a long time while driving.
After taking a breath, I told her that from the first day, I had been cornered by this trivial annoyance. Most of the things written here, that is to say, the use of breasts and the guilt of being tortured. However, the sentence of "Uncle" feels like the beginning of a new life rather than relieving the burden of the following week.
I'm not going to blame someone who is indifferent to having children. It's impossible. But now my indifference has disappeared.
Thanks to my nephews, I know that "things can change in an instant." Moreover, I can look forward to the moment of "having my own children". I never thought I could get the toddlers out of this predicament with the shoes on and off in Belluco. But this is what happened. By becoming a formal "uncle", I found the steps in the process that I didn't know it existed.
This is who I am. This week, and now... I am the official Uncle Ben. By the way, it is no longer an ordinary "Uncle Ben". Then I finally want to be a hopeful and enthusiastic father.
Even now, "what can I do if I have a brother, sister and family? "I'm not quite clear about this. However, I no longer think of myself as a special person. Now, there are a lot less things that feel lonely.
Source/ESQUIRE USTranslation/Keiko Tanaka: this translation is an excerpt.
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